I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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