new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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