I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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