I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
