My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
