If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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