Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
