You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
