I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
