Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
