How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
