My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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