I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
