The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Someone signed my nipple.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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