Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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