I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
