Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
