dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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