i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
