Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
