I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
