I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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