She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
