I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You are a genius and a whore.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
