I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
