I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
