I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
