just tell him i said nine months
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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