I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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