it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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