did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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