Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Are my feet made of real feet?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
