On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
People in love make me want to vomit
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
