She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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