I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
