better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
