i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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