Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
