Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
