I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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