All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
