Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
