So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
