I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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