Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
