I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
