I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
