If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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