dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
