So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's get the cat blown out
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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